The Pistachio Chronicles

Here is a collection of humorous (at least I thought so) observations from an older blog I created called The Pistachio Chronicles. The meaning behind the title will remain a mystery. Hmm…

 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

WHO IS THERE LEFT TO TRUST?

It is really hard to know who to trust these days after being let down by politicians and athletes time and time again. John Edwards, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Lance Armstrong, Richard Nixon, Mark McGwire, Vincent Fumo, Marion Jones, Rod Blagojevich, A-Rod, Anthony Weiner, O.J. Simpson- All cheaters in one way or another (and a murderer). Not to mention all the catholic priests, boy scout masters, doctors, dentists, teachers and sports coaches that have molested children or assaulted patients. Who can you trust these days? Oh, don’t forget corrupt police, firefighters who light their own fires and news reporters who fabricate stories for fame. Wow! Now, I know there are plenty out there who are trust worthy and do a fantastic, honest job day in and day out. They are the ones that need more press because, believe it or not, there is actually more good than bad out there. Unfortunately, the media doesn’t report than cause that ain’t news! Well, at least we can trust ourselves…right?

TUESDAY, August 28, 2012

TV À la carte

So I wrote to Direct TV and asked for a better rate and got your standard letter with Mr. McGuire plastered into the appropriate places telling me to check out there other packages deal, blah, blah, blah. Here’s what I have to say to you satellite and cable TV companies: À la carte!!!! It’s time man! We don’t need you, we have HULU, Roku, Crackle, TV.com and tons of other choices. By now, I should be able to say I want to keep HBO, but I don’t need: Galavision, MTV, Baby First, LOGO, OWN, Sprout, The Game Show and Soap Networks, HSN, QVC and about 30 other stations! You don’t go to the deli and ask for a ham and cheese sandwich and have to scrape off the olives, honey mustard, onions, kale and other stuff you didn’t order! Why should ordering programming be any different. The end is near my friends. Sooner than later, you’ll realize that we don’t need you and white noise will ensue.

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 2011

Dumb is the New Cool


Don’t call it a comeback! Why such a long pause? Not sure, call it writer’s block or maybe I just found myself venting on the same issues all the time such as traffic or people’s uncanny ability to be self-absorbed.Since I’m on the subject, there was this one this one person I came across today that was so caught up in her own little world that she hadn’t a care in the world and was oblivious to the chaos she was causing around her. First off, she was on the phone (not hands free) so she decided to pull over. Admirable, right? Would have been if it wasn’t for the fact that she pulled over to a curb where there was NO PARKING ANYTIME…and for good reason. She was parked in the middle of a driving lane. But she just proceeded to laugh and enjoy her conversation and cigarette as drivers behind her had to come to a quick halt from around the corner and end up dodging traffic in the opposing lane to get around her little red mini Coop. This type of thing unconscious behavior angers me. I gave her a dirty stare which she noticed a few times but not enough for her to say “what the f*** you looking at?” but probably enough for her to tell the party on the other line of my creepy glare. Then she moved up a notch on my list of despicable people by flicking her cigarette on out the window! Yuck! Not only is it a horrible, dirty habit, but many smokers feel they not only have to share their smoke with non-smokers by blowing it in their direction, but there going to flick dirty ashes out car windows and flick their dirty butts on the ground? What is up with that? I felt like going over, picking it up and handing it back to her. “Did you drop this?” Which brings me to a question…why do people still smoke?Now, I can understand people who smoked for years who were brought up in a generation that thought smoking made you look cool, but why is today’s youth still smoking? In a time when smokers have been pretty much cast out to their tiny little designated areas, kicked out of bars and restaurants and must be so many feet from buildings almost like a person with a restraining order against them. I can (almost)understand back in the day when it was promoted as cool with iconic actors like Bogart, James Dean or Bette Davis looking sophisticated puffing away, but in today’s world with all the ugliness against the big tobacco companies and the overwhelming data of how detrimental it is to the health of the person smoking and the people and children around them…young persons smoking no longer looks cool. They look dumb. And three times as dumb when they are smoking, blocking traffic and littering. All in the name of self-absorption. I guess dumb is the new cool?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2009

Flying High Again


Well hello. Where have you been? Oh, that’s right, I’m the one who hasn’t been writing.Just got back from yet another trip to Philly. I’ve become a frequent flier this year. Flying is an experience that you never really get use to. Something about a big metal contraption zooming across the sky at 500 miles per hour holding 200 + people just doesn’t seem right. Not to mention that your leaving your life in the hands of one or two persons who make, probably as much as you or less. The average airline pilot starts off between $30,000 to $50,000 a year according to which airline. Wow!The whole process seems a little odd to me. Recently I had my toothpaste and hair gel confiscated. Forgot the no liquids rule. “OK, I’m hijacking this plane!!! Anyone tries to stop me and I will make sure your teeth are sparkling clean with a minty freshness and that your hair is perfect! I’m not kidding! Just try me!

Plus, you have to take your shoes off. I heard an announcement not too long ago, “We have a pair of brown shoes left at the security checkpoint. Please return to the security checkpoint if you left a pair of brown shoes.” How can you forget your shoes?

I can’t understand why people just can’t seem to follow the simple rules at the airport. “Please do not stand in the red carpeted area. The red carpeted area is designated for airport personnel only.” As I watch about 10 persons lounging on the floor of the red carpet as if it was their living room floor.

And since when did airline attendants become stand up comics? “Your seat cushion can also be used as a flotation device if for some odd reason we land in water in the desert between Burbank and Phoenix.” Funny. “Please turn of all electronic devices including all cell phones, blackberries, raspberries, gameboys, gamegirls…” Ha! Maybe it’s the altitude that makes people think they are the next Rodney Dangerfield?

Hate turbulence too. Who doesn’t? One time we hit the worst turbulence I ever felt in my life. People screamed, luggage fell, drinks were spilled. The worse second of my life. And of course the pilot gets on and talks to you like the suave leading man soap opera star, “Sorry about that folks. Getting a little bumpy. Please return to your seats. Things should smooth out in a few minutes.” Bumpy? It felt like we were hip checked by God!!

It’s really a crap shoot who you are going to sit next to or around. Crying babies, overtalkers, underbathers or overactive bladderers. I went to sit next to a lady who gave me a dirty look when she had to move her bag from my seat. Shit, if she wants to pay me my $500 for the seat, I’d be happy to sit in the john for take off. Then I had the kids behind me who can’t sit still, kicking to seat, singing Hanna Montana songs. I think kids either need to be sedated on flights or treated like luggage. They need to fit in the overhead bins or checked and put in with the rest of the luggage.

I also love the rude people. When we finally landed, I asked, “Does anyone know what gate we are at?” Three people looked at me as if I asked them to have sex with me. Just a simple question folks.

We ended up at gate b14, which I thought was good cause my connecting flight was at gate b18 and I had 10 mins to spare. But, it would be too logical to put gate b14 next to b18, right? No, instead I had to go backward, gate b13, 12, 11, 10 down to b1, make a left and travel across 2 of them moving walkways, make a right, b15, 16, 17 and finally 18. Makes sense aye? Just to find there was a gate change. Amazingly I still made it. By far a fun experience. When is teleportation coming?

One last question. Why can airlines charge you what ever they feel like? Why can you get a flight, in coach, for $200 and then be charged $1000 for the same flight a week later? What other business does that? You don’t go to the local deli and buy a $5 sandwich only to pay $500 for the same sandwich next week!! That’s why you need to get as much out of the flight as possible. Order 10 sodas, take the in-flight magazines (like Sky Mall, so you can order that $25 marshmallow shooter!), keep the pillow, blanket, headphones etc… and demand free pistachios!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 2009

Let’s Get Physical


Went to the doctor the other day. First time in 4 years. Didn’t tell me much new. I have high blood pressure, high triglycerides and high cholesterol. How come high is not good when it comes to health? Hey, I got the highest score in PAC-MAN (I’m dating myself) That’s good! I scored high on the SATS! Good! I can jump higher than you! Great!So anyway, he starts going through all the stuff I should avoid: breads, pastas, sugar-filled snacks, salt-filled snacks and beer~~OUCH! First off as far as I’m concerned, if it doesn’t have salt or sugar on it, it ain’t no snack. Secondly, why is it always the things that you love that you can’t eat? Why don’t they ever say, “Try to avoid liver, octopus and prune juice”? “Stay clear of chocolate covered crickets and sauteed monkey brains”? If if it so bad for you, why does your body rejoice when you eat things you like. When you bite into a chocolate chip cookie, your body seems to say “YES!!!!” When you bite into a collage of steamed carrots and cauliflower from a diner your body seems to say, “BOOOORING!”You would think that the body, being the complex machine it is, would have programmed itself to make the good things in life to eat, the most beneficial. Right?
What about sex? Sex feels good and is good for you. The main function of sex is to keep the human race thriving, therefore, it is logical that sex feels good. Right? If sex felt like banging a nail into the side of your head, most of us wouldn’t do it and the human race would have died off long ago. Or exercise even. Ok, maybe exercise takes a little more motivation than sex, but after a good workout, you usually feel good. It feels good and it’s good for you. If food tastes good, then it should be good for you. Right? So, the doctor should be saying, “You need to up your pizza and beer intake if you want to be around another 40 years.” Yes! That’s what I want to hear!

On top of that I was run through a ringer of other tests including my first prostate exam. Doc says, “OK Mr. McGuire, just relax.” OH MOMMY! Easy for him to say! Was he reaching for the prostate? Felt more like the adam’s apple Then he grabbed my jewels and told me to cough. Believe me, I couldn’t help BUT cough! Then, blood work, urine sample, chest x-rays, EKG and then he performed tricky surgery by extracting a few hundred bucks from my bank account.

Anyway, what an experience. I wonder if pistachios are high in cholesterol?

MONDAY, JULY 27, 2009

Quickies


So a girl is reading a text while walking down the street and falls in an open man hole and her family is suing because people shouldn’t have to take responsibility for their own safety. I should be able to walk down the street with my eyes closed and nothing should happen to me!Found Michael Jackson’s nose! Oops…no I didn’t. Just a Brazil nut.An amateur astronomer discovered that an Earth-sized object crashed into Jupiter. An amateur!!!! You mean all of these professional astronomers at NASA and all these prestigious universities who are getting paid the big bucks missed this!! It was Earth-sized!!! You know what that means if it would have hit the Earth!!!

Why is it split pea soup? Whole peas are too big to fit in a soup?

Michael Vick is reinstated into the NFL. Didn’t think he had a doggone chance. Wonder what team will fetch him? They should keep him on a short leash for a few months.

Isn’t a near miss a hit?

FRIDAY, JULY 10, 2009

A Typical Trip to Work


Here is a behind the scenes look into what goes through my head on a typical drive to work:Did I unplug the iron?Yeah, that’s fine, cross the street without looking! With a baby carriage no less!

What’s that smell? Is that coming from inside or outside? It’s either the garbage truck in front of me or old french fries I dropped under my seat.

Oooh, look at her! If my daughter dressed like that I’d smack her! Ok, maybe not smack her, but she wouldn’t leave the house like that.

ASSHOLE!!! What the hell is wrong with people!!?? What is the rush? Ha! You just weaved in and out of traffic and here we are…next to each other…at the red light. Yeah, don’t ignore me…you know I’m right next to you! What is that? A tattoo on your head? Who gets a tattoo on their head? You’ll look funny when your 80!

Ooh…I love this song!!! I could feel at the time. There was no way of knowing. Fallen leaves in the night. Why doesn’t Roxy Music get back together? Oh, that’s right, nobody would go.

Ha! There’s a misspelling on that sign! There’s no “p” in cholesterol.

OH SHIT!!! IDIOT!!! OH, YOU HAVE TO TURN LEFT AND YOUR IN THE RIGHT LANE SO WE ALL NEED TO SLAM THE BRAKES…WHAT A DAMN…hey, plums are on sale at Whole Foods! I should stop on the way home. But, you know I won’t.

That’s gay! I’m sorry, but if a guy is walking a dog who is smaller than 3 feet, he’s gay! But, what do I know? Maybe he’s not. Just whipped maybe. Ha! “Make sure you walk Mitsy before you go!” “Uh…yes dear!” Ha!

Oh look Charming Luxury Apartments. Really! They overlook the Metro Bus Station…how charming!

OOPS! CROSSWALK! Sorry lady I didn’t see you!!! So, she’s shaking her fist at me. What’s she going to do? She’s like 72! I should pull over and see what she does…nah, she’ll probably kick my ass.

Is that guy wearing a nightgown? I think he is! That’s a nightgown! A pink nightgown! That guy is wearing a pink night gown in broad daylight!

Oh, shit! Cop behind me! Damn! 40, down to 35, down to 30. Steady! Steady! Phew, he’s turning!

Ah…Ventura Blvd. Finally! Hey, that homeless guy is dressed better than me! His hair ain’t bad either.

GO, GO GO!!! DAMN! YOU ALL SUCK!!! We could have made that light. LOSERS! Finally at work! Damn, I forgot my pistachios!! Did I leave the iron on?

TUESDAY, JUNE 30, 2009

Can You Live Without It?


Well, we’ve been through my pet peeves. Let’s discuss things I can live without:1. Blue Tooth technology: Back in the old days, when a person was standing on the corner by themselves talking, they were labeled “crazy.” Now, they might be talking to their stock broker about whether they should sell the vested stock they have in Pez dispensers. I don’t know, I think it’s annoying. Have you ever rode the elevator with someone using Blue Tooth and you don’t realize it until you see the gadget hanging from their ear like some Star Trek Cyborg? All you hear is, “I love you too honey,” and you turn around and say “huh?” and then you look like the fool. As far as I’m concerned, no one needs to be connected all the time and Blue Tooth people are just trying to draw attention to themselves because they were probably latch key kids growing up. I’m just saying…2. Teens with their underwear hanging out of their pants: This fad (I thought) started in Rap Music as some sort of tribute to all the homies locked up in the pokies. Because prisoners aren’t allowed to wear belts and their pants are always falling down. As far as I’m concerned, this fashion can stay in jail. How? Make it illegal. Some cities are doing it all ready. Or if that is too harsh of a solution, then the other alternative is that everybody do it. If everyone does it, then it won’t be cool anymore. Imagine all the business men walking the streets with their pants low under their tighty whities or grandma going to the supermarket with her granny panties hanging out! Finish it off by adding a sideways White Sox cap. Yo Yo!

3. My child is an honor student bumper stickers: Who gives a crap? What do you want me to do? Should I beep my horn to honor little Johnny cause he passed the 3rd grade with honors? He got all the gold stars on his test papers? Yep, you know the ones hanging on the fridge. Give me a break! Here is a note to all the parents out there: When your kid cures cancer or global warming or figures out a way to feed the world, then I will put a bumper sticker on my car too. I would love to see a sticker that says, “My kid cheated off of your kid and got honors too.”

4. Slow songs from Green Day: This may not fit with the others, but I heard the song “21 Guns” today and enough is enough. First of all it’s bad enough you’re a punk band with a lead singer named Billy Jo Amrstrong. What ever happen to the good old days when punk rockers were named Sid Vicious, Johnny Rotten and Richard Hell. Secondly, you wouldn’t catch any of those bands like the Sex Pistols and the Ramones sing a ballad. Now don’t get me wrong…Green Day can rock and my point is that’s what they should be doing. Change your name to Billy Jo Murder or Billy Jo Slitthroat and leave the ballads to Death Cab For Cutie, who by the way has more of a punk sounding name than Green Day.

That’s it for now. Hey, I didn’t even mention pistachios in this blog. Oh, I just did. Pis out.

TUESDAY, JUNE 23, 2009

Down in Front!


Went to the movies the other day. Saw Terminator. I’ll have to say, despite the distractions…I’ll be back. But, a few ground rules need to be set and I will need all my faithful readers (all 3 of them) to support me in these rules.Rule 1- This is the most important rule. Don’t go to the movies if you don’t plan on watching a movie. Going to the movies doesn’t mean texting your buddies. If you have read my previous blogs you will know by now, that I’m not a fan of texting. No texting in line at the store, no texting while driving, no texting during sex (I bet it happens) and no texting during the movie. What is so important that it can’t wait until Christian Bale is done cursing out some dumb T-800 that wandered on to the set when it wasn’t supposed to?Rule 2- The movie is not a bedroom. No smooching, hands off the asses, thighs etc. And I’m not saying this because I’m jealous. I’m saying this because I paid $11 for the movie and I can’t possible watch the two of you and the movie at the same time.

Rule 3- If your hand reaches the bottom of the bag, that means it’s empty. No need to crinkle, crumble, crackle or crimple the bag to manuever that last little kernal out. You’ve had enough anyway as it takes a bull dowser full of pop corn just to fill a small anyway.

Rule 4- Keep all infants at home. If you don’t have enough money for the movie and a baby sitter, then stay home and watch Lethal Weapon 4 on TNT. That’s the sacrifice you have to take when you have kids. And as for the older kids, 5, 6, 7 years old, if your are in any movie that doesn’t start off with with Tinkerbell spreading her pixie dust or that lovable little Pixar desk lamp, then you don’t belong there. Parental Discretion doesn’t mean, everything is Ok as long as mommy and daddy are here. Cause what’s going to happen is little Bobby is going to get bored with Christain Bale’s rants and he’ll start making farting sounds with his cheeks

Rule 5- Be on time. First of all, the movie never starts on time. You have at least 15 minutes of previews to get through and you still can’t make it on time? Then you are going to spend another 5 minutes staring up from the bottom of the stairs trying to see (in the dark) if there are two seats together for you and your tardy date. And don’t come up to me and ask me to move over a seat because I have empty seats on each side of me. No! The rule should be, if you are in after the movie starts, you need to sit in the front row. That way you’ll have a sore neck all week and that will learn you to be on time next time.

I guess that’s all I have time for. I’m sure I can think of a few more. Until then, enjoy the pistachios and leave me the ailse seat. Pis out.

MONDAY, JUNE 22, 2009

Reality Bites

I have a good idea for the next great reality show. A bunch of unhappy TV viewers go to the sets of all these shows and let loose some havoc. We can start by dropping of boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts to Survivor Island (and maybe the set of the Biggest Loser too). We can make Simon sing “Tip Toe Through The Tulips” at gun point while Paula Abdul dances behind him high on pixie sticks or whatever she’s on. We send some New York taxi drivers to pick up everyone from The Amazing Race and that will easily cut the show down to a half hour at least. Here’s a reality show: Kidnap Gordon Ramsey and hold him hostage at an Arby’s for a week. Image ‘ol Gordo having to woof down Beef ‘n Cheese, greasy fries and Mr. Pibb everyday for a week. I’d watch that. Speaking of beef, what’s my beef with these shows? Well, first of all, it’s not reality. Secondly, since when did humiliation and degradation become entertainment. We’ve come along way from Alan Funt hiding a hidden camera and catching the reaction of some unsuspecting kid who opened what he thought to be a can of peanuts only to have a stuffed snake pop out and scare the living bejesus out of him. Now we have to terrify people by making them get into a box and dumping worms on top of them, or gross people out by making them eat the worms when they are finished laying in them. Or humiliate them by telling them they have a voice like a dying sea gull, or that they are fat, or that the man they thought loved them is cheating on them. So we can watch them break down and cry for the camera. What is wrong with the world? Does taking pleasure in other people’s misery make people feel better about our their own pathetic lives? And don’t think these shows don’t effect people. What about the lady who was cut from Idol and was obsessed with Paula Abdul. Started stalking her and ended up killing herself in front of her home. Now that’s reality! I’m sure there were other factors, like she was on pixie sticks too, but…
Jon and Kate of Jon and Kate plus Eight have filed for divorce (rumor has it). A 10-year marriage down the drain because they couldn’t take the heat that they caused themselves. I wonder how the kid arrangement will be? Will each parent have to take all 8 kids at various times? Ha! And…one last point. What is it will all these has-beens and old rock stars with their own shows? Who cares if Ozzy has to clean up dog poop (poop’s funny) or Peter Brady can’t find a date or Gene Simmon’s can’t find his Geritol. WHO CARES!!!!!! Apparently, the majority of TV viewers doe care and the rest of us are stuck watching old episodes of All in the Family on TV Land while popping pistachios. That’s it in a nut shell. Pis out.

MONDAY, JUNE 15, 2009

Jeeves, Bring the Carriage Around…Fee Fee is Ready For A Ride.

June Gloom in LA. Suppose to rain the next two days out here. Yep, supposed to rain cats and dogs. Don’t step in a poodle! Speaking of poodles, I saw one in a pink sweater the other day. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a pet lover, but some people really overdo it. The pink sweater is over doing it. What’s next doggie dishes with caviar and champagne? Pimped out collars? Gold-plated pooper scoopers? Have you ever seen these little doggie carriages? Isn’t the point of walking the dog to let it roam and get some exercise. Now they’re strolled around like some furry little infant in their doggie carriage with all their little squeaky doggie toys. Yuck! When I see this I get that feeling in my stomach like I just ate some bad salami. They’re pets!!! Take your dog to the park, let it run, throw it a goddamn Frisbee!! I saw a lady walking her cat on a leash the other day. Her cat! Poor cat had a look on his puss (Ha! puss!…it’s a cat) like a freshman who just had his pants pulled down in front of the girls gym class. I felt bad for it, and I’m not a cat person and most cats don’t care for me. They usually just look at me, lick themselves and go into the other room. In fact, I had some bad experiences with cats. Not the normal scratch across the face or spilled litter box. Once I watched a cat for a friend and it died. Who’s laughing? That’s not funny. It died! It wasn’t my fault. The cat was suicidal when I got it. It was freebasing cat nip. No, seriously, I don’t know what happened…it ate a bad mouse or something. Not too long after that I had a dream that a bunch of cats lit my house on fire. Pay back’s a bitch. But, I never met a dog I didn’t like. I had a dog named Chester once. One of them sheep dog types with the hair in his eyes. I use to get him all worked up running around the house, then we would hit the linoleum on the the kitchen floor and slip and and slide and I would open the back door and he would slide right out. I was mean. I’d hear a faint scratch and I would let him and he would give me a look as if to say, “jerk off!!!” Now there places to take your pets to get their nails done, hair done and get a good massage. There are even pet therapists. So if your pet is depressed because it’s out of pink salmon Friskees, bored with the same old scratching post or upset because no matter how hard it tries it just can’t catch it’s tail, you can have him go to Dr. Do Very Little and spill it’s guts on his sofa. I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. Maybe a parrot. I would teach him to answer the phone and he can deal with telemarketers. “Hello are you happy with your present phone service?” Parrot: “Happy with phone service, happy with phone service (whistle)” It could deal with the folks trying to collect my credit card payments too. Parrot: “Checks in the mail, in the mail (whistle)!” And I can name it Montgomery and feed it pistachios! Pis out.

THURSDAY, JUNE 11, 2009

A Pill For Everything

Feeling down and out? Can’t sleep? Eat too much? Not performing well in bed? No worries, there is a pill for that. Nowadays the airwaves are filled with magic pills to take care of everything. After watching these commercials over and over, you start to wonder if you really do have a problem. Maybe I am depressed, fat or can’t get it up! The side effects and cautions for these medicines are sometimes worse than the thing they are supposed to be treating. Lunesta, for example is supposed to help you sleep, but warns that walking, eating, driving or engaging in other activities with out remembering have been known to occur with sleep medicines. WHAT! That sounds pretty important. Yeah, I woke up in the drive-thru at Taco Bell with part of a triple layered nachos order in my lap and mild sauce all over my face (cause I’m still a wimp even when I’m sleeping). Other activities??? Like what…robbing a bank? Then we have at least 3 pills you can take if you can’t get an erection. Poor guys. A girl can sneeze around me and I…uh, never mind. Anyway, these pills warn that persons who have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, call your physician. I can’t imagine that conversation. They also say to contact your doctor if you have sudden loss of vision or hearing. No shit? Loss of vision might be good sometimes as sex is a lot uglier than it feels. But, how do you know what the cure to the hearing loss is if you can’t hear the doctor they tell you to call? It’s also a shame that they have to tell you that Viagra and Cialis don’t prevent HIV and other STDs. Some pill commercials come on and they never tell you what the product is for. They just show someone walking through a field of daisies and say, If you think Pill X is right for you, talk to your physician. If this pill makes me feel like I’m walking through a field of daises all the time, then I will have to see if counter acts with my allergy pills. Lexapro is for anxiety. “Should I take it? What if it doesn’t work? What if it does work? Ooh, what should I do?” And lastly, there are a number of ant-depression pills out there. One says, “suicidal thoughts may increase when taking anti-depressants.” Boy, they are really trying to eliminate the problem! My diagnosis, take two pistachios and call me in the morning. Pis out.

MONDAY, JUNE 8, 2009

What’s in a Name?

I was listening to the radio the other day when a song from a band called Men Without Pants came on. I snickered at first, but found after time that the tune was actually pretty catchy. i judged too soon. A singer named Robby Takac (which is a funny name in itself) was asked what, if any, regrets he had. He responded, “Had I known the band was going to be so popular, I would have never named it The Goo Goo Dolls.” But, what is it about a name?Does it really matter?Celebaholics, start drooling in anticipation for what Angelina and Brad were going to name their kid…Zahara I think. Sounds like a desert or a casino. David Bowie named his son Zowie. Yes, his son. I wouldn’t be talking to dad if my name was Zowie Bowie. He changed his name to Duncan Jones. Then there Frank Zappa’s offspring, Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen. I can’t make this stuff up folks. If I could, I would be writing the next Seth Rogen film and not writing a blog named after a nut. Prince changed his name to a symbol to piss off his record producers. Genius! Now he changed it back. He is the man formerly known as the man formerly know as Prince…I think. I like my name, but I wouldn’t mind changing it for a week to see how it goes. One name I like is a pitcher for the Dodgers, ClaytonKershaw. Hi ladies, I’m Clayton Kershaw. I’ll be right back, I left my mint floss in my Porsche next to my Grammy. Only floss the ones you want to keep…hee…hee. On the flip side, we have players named Milton Bradley and Coco Crisp. I am cereal…uh, I mean serious.Did you hear about the couple who named their kids Adolf Hitler, Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation and Honslynn Hinler Jeannie. Nice! And they see nothing wrong with this. “It’s just a name,” They said. Is it? Are we really too hung up on names? Some less abrasive, but true names include: Al K. Seltzer, Ferris Wheeler, Ivan Oder and RayGunn. Can’t leave out the Docs: Dr. Slaughter, Dr. Hurt, achiropractor named Dr. Bender and Dr. Dick Finder…yep, you guessed it, a urologist.
Didn’t find anyone named Pistachio though. If I have a kid though…Pis out.

THURSDAY, JUNE 4, 2009

When I Grow Up…

So I’m 42 now and deciding what I want to be when I grow up. When I was a kid, I was sure I wanted to be anarchaeologist digging up Fred Flintstone and fossilized dino poop (I promised a friend there would be poop in my next blog because poop is always good for a laugh). As I grew older my passion for finding a T-Rex in my back yard faded (the fact that T-Rex roamed mostly western North America played a part in my giving up also, since I lived in Philly at the time). Then I went into the police officer phase. Chasing bank robbers down the street yelling “Freeze or I’ll shoot!” In the UK the police yell, “Freeze or I’ll yell freeze again!” (only the special Armed Units carry guns there). But, those dreams have come to pass and after 15 years as a film developer, I am finally doing what I went to school to do…write and edit. Boring, aye. Well, if being a film developer all those years has taught me one thing it’s that people general live boring lives. Pictures of grandma, pictures of the cat, pictures of the dog, pictures of the dog and cat with grandma. But every once in awhile I would see a photo that grabbed my attention and I would say, “I didn’t know a person could do that with one of those…interesting!” I also learned in those 15 years that most of humanity should keep their clothes on. “Is that a diffuser spot? Oops, no…that’s part of her.” Anyway, what do I really want to do? There are some interesting jobs out there. For example, I could be a Wrinkle Chaser. No, it’s not what you think. This job involved ironing wrinkles out of new shoes so they are smooth when you buy them. Or how about a Feng Shui consultant. They come to your house to make sure you and your spouse are living harmonious. I wonder if any of them have had a frying pan thrown at them? I always thought being a Zamboni driver would be fun. Imagine taking one of those on the highway! It would be a hit at 5 miles per hour during rush hour. There is an Odor Tester. They test to see if your arm pits stink after applying deodorant. EEWWW! Some people have the fetish though. How about a job writing fortunes for fortune cookies. You have fun with that. Imagine writing something like “Don’t eat the Kung Pao chicken” or “I see antacids in your future.” Hmm…I wonder if you can fit tiny fortunes in pistachios? I wonder…Pis out.

MONDAY, JUNE 1, 2009

Nice Doggie!

Hi and welcome back to the show. We have a star-studded line up for you today. We have Rip Taylor with a bag full of confetti, we have the famous acrobats, Newelland Chevet, but right now we have animal trainer Jim Fowler with his pet peeve. Hi Jim, what does this animal do? Well Kevin, our pet peeve does many wonderful things, here is a list of a few tricks it does:Doesn’t use a turn-signal- I can never understand the habits of certain persons when it comes to the safety of them, passengers and the people around them. I once had a guy across the street from me as we both waited for the green light. All indications were that we were both going straight. Wrong. He was turning left and I almost rammed him as a result. He looked at me andacknowledged that he was at fault. Then, why did you do it in the first place? What is the issue with the turn signal? Is it too difficult to lift your hand and flick the lever? I know you have all had someone stop dead in front of you to pull into a store parking lot to quickly get to that sale on Twinkies. And you know what? If you hit them, by law it is your fault, not theirs. I think the fines should be stiffer for this offense…like the death penalty.Doesn’t have Elevator Etiquette- Here’s the simple deal with this one. Don’t get on until people get off. You are not going to miss it.

Uses Cell Phone When Standing in Line- “Yeah, I’m at KFC. I’m in line. What are you doin? Washing clothes? You want something? What do you want?” This is the part that kills me, when they tell the person at the counter to wait a minute. “Yeah, you want something? I’m line now. What do you want?” Don’t you just want to grab the phone and fling it right into the deep fryer and yell, “THEY SELL CHICKEN!!! JUST GET HER SOME FRICKINCHICKEN AND GO ON YOUR FINGER LICKIN WAY!!!!!!!

They Throw Trash Out the Window- What the hell is this? And I see it all the time. The other day a Starbucks coffee cup hit my car windshield. What, you can’t wait until you get home to toss your refuse? I almost wanted to follow this person home, knock on their door, hold out the cup and say, “You lose this?”

They Write Checks at the Supermarket- Welcome to the 21st century. Put away the check book and get a debit card like everyone else so I don’t have to wait while you fish around for 2 forms of ID and bank clearance to buy my bag of pistachios.

Thanks for coming Jim. Don’t forget to join us next time when our guest will be that “can you hear me now” guy from those Verizon commercials and Abe Vigoda. Until then, Pis out.

TUESDAY, MAY 26, 2009

HEY! Wipe that Grin From Your Face! You’re at the DMV!

Four states have banned smiling at the DMVwhen they are taking your license photo. I’m sure most of you have been to theDMV. Not much smiling going on anyway. In fact, it is usually a pretty grim experience. A world of chaos and dismay. It ranks up there on a person’s “things I don’t want to do list” along with ‘go to the dentist’ and ‘paint the garage.’ There is no smiling. The 3 facial expressions at the DMV are as follows: Worry, irate and confused. Which one are you? First worry. People are worried they will either have to pay money they don’t have, or are afraid they will get caught for something else while they are there. Like unpaid tickets, driving (to the DMV) while suspended or some other, more serious offense. Like a serial killer who needs to take the driving test again, but hopes you don’t ask him to pop the trunk.
Then there is the irate. This person feels the world is out to get him and he shouldn’t have to be there. They’re conversations usually start with “You guys made a mistake” and always end with “I want to speak to your supervisor.” Sometimes they throw in the, “I make 3 times the money you make. I’ll have your job!” What ever that means.
Then there is the confused. They are the ones who wait 30 minutes in the wrong line, fill out the wrong form and then get in another wrong line and blame the DMV employee. “But, they told me to fill out this form and stand in this line!”
But the DMV are not the squeaky-clean, make no mistake organization they claim to be, sometimes. Just ask Randall CliftonKling of Orange Co., CA. He fooled the DMV 83 times and created as many aliases and easily collected many, many driver’s licenses. In fact, there are over 100,000 cases each year of fraudulentlicenses issued by the DMV, which ignite many other criminal acts ranging from fake IDs sold to minors, illegal immigrants having licenses, to a stream of other identity theft crimes. Some of these crimes are due to shifty DMV employees themselves. So next time your at the DMV being told not to smile. Give them a little smile, and a wink too. Just your way of letting them know that you know what’s up. Oh, and tell them pistachio sent you. That gets them thinking every time and adds a new facial expression for the DMV…coy~~ Pis out.

FRIDAY, MAY 22, 2009

Don’t Do It…You’ll Go To Jail!


I’ve been on a rant lately about California laws after a string of parking tickets and smog check tickets. My friend got a jaywalking ticket which is unheard of where I come from (Philadelphia). I decided to do some research on the subject and realized that I really have to be careful not to break some of the rules in this town.
For example, in the city of Glendale, CA., it is illegal to drive in reverse. Makes it kinda hard to parallel park I would say. It’s also illegal to jump into a passing car in that town. Damn, when I’m driving, I always consider doing that. Especially a convertible full of hot babes going to the beach.
Speaking of the beach, in Hermosa Beach it is illegal not to have toilet paper in public restrooms. Duh, imagine having to call the cops when your sitting on the crapper? “911, what’s your emergency?” “Yes, uh, I just did number 2 and I have no toilet paper.” “Ok, sir, remain seated and calm…we are on our way!” “ok, hurry, cause I don’t know how much longer I can’t hold on!” Also in Hermosa, it is against the law to show your naked butt in a playground. Hmm…but I guess it would be OK otherwise, like the frozen food section of the local supermarket. Again, you would be breaking the law if you poured salt on the highway in Hermosa, but pour all the pepper you want.
In Hollywood, It is illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. I would LOVE to test this one! “But, officer, count them…I only have 1,999 sheep.”
In Long Beach it is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. “BLEEP!! I came so close to getting it in the clown’s BLEEPING mouth for a hole-in-one!!” Also in Long Beach, you can’t have anything but your car in your garage. WOW! My landlord would be doing 10 to life if he live there!
And finally, in LA it is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. Anything more, with consent, is called sadomasochism, but anything less is not spousal abuse? You will be arrested in LA for licking a toad, hunting moths under a street light or crying on the witness stand. “But, your honor (sob!), I didn’t know they were moths I was shooting at (sob!). They looked like vampire bats after I licked that toad, (boohoo!).
But, it’s not illegal in CA to eat pistachios…so enjoy! Pis out!

THURSDAY, MAY 21, 2009

All We Have to Fear Is…


Don’t be afraid. It’s just a blog about fear!I was in an elevator the other day at work coming down from the 10th floor. All of a sudden, around the 7th floor, the elevator stopped and all the lights around the buttons went dark. I hit the alarm button. Nothing. Hit it again nothing. Then it started moving again, but still no lights. It went to the 1st floor and the doors opened. Phew! I can tell you had it been stuck a minute longer and I would have cried like a baby who dropped an ice cream cone (pistachio). I don’t know about you, but just being stuck for a minute made my heart drop in my stomach and the feeling of panic and dizziness set in. My co-worker was stuck one time for about 20 mins. We tried to keep her calm by talking through the door. I don’t know how she made it without losing it.
Anyway, it got me thinking about fears. Some of my other fears include: drowning, dying in a plane crash and being at a Lionel Richie concert. That fear is called dancingontheceilingaphobia.
There are a lot of strange fears as well. For example:Alektorophobia is the fear of chickens. Image a person with this fear accidentally walking into a KFC! Or how about dextrophobia, which is the fear of having objects at the right side of the body. Let’s hope these folks are left-handed. A lot of men have this fear,gamophobia, or the fear of marriage. Which isn’t as bad aseurotophobia, the fear of female genitalia or phallophobia- the fear of a penis. There is also Pupaphobia, the fear of puppets. No Sesame Street for you. I wonder if the alektorophobia person would be afraid of Big Bird…hmm…I wonder. And lastly, there isphobophobia or the fear of phobias. I couldn’t make this stuff up!
I have other fears with no name yet. Like the fear of being locked in a room with Gilbert Gottfried, the fear of being licked by a llama or the fear of pouring orange juice on my cereal.
Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “All we have to fear, is fear itself.” I would have liked to be stuck in an elevator with him!- Pis out.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20, 2009

Driving Me Nuts


You know, I have a message forMapQuest…you suck! I had to go to court here in LA and needed directions, so I went to MapQuest and, as anyone knows if you’ve driven the LA freeways or own a TV, traffic is a nightmare here already without any added issues. So I’m sitting in traffic and getting nervous because court starts at 8:30 and it’s 8:10 now. Finally I get to my exit. “Make a left on Temple,” MapQuest says.Ok, great…Temple it is. “Drive 0.1 mile and End at 1633 Purdue St.,” MapQuest says. Ok…uh…no, nope, no Purdue St. Now I’m in a panic rechecking directions while trying to drive (damn…wish I had an iphone…not). 8:30 passes, 8:40, 8:50… I finally stopped for directions (you gals know guys hate doing this) and I get some guy with a Southern accent telling me he never heard of Purdue St. and he wasn’t from LA. That’s the biggest problem about asking for directions in LA…nobody is from LA. Turns out, Mr. MapQuest, Purdue St. is in Santa Monica, not downtown LA!!!!! The funniest thing about this (if there is something funny about this) is the direction link to MapQuest came from the LA Superior Court Web site. How ironic. That way people will miss their court date and have to pay a $525 fine…which, by the way was the reason I was going to court in the first place. I missed a court date I didn’t know I had due to some small print on the back of some 4 page subpoena I got (probably) cause I didn’t get my smog check done.BAM!!! A $10 fix it ticket became $525. Anyway, I finally get to the court and (here’s the kicker) turns out I had no court date cause I chose to pay the fine! I only paid the fine cause the citation said, WE WILL SUSPEND YOUR LICENSE IN 10 DAYS IF NOT PAID. I figured pay it, then fight it. Now it’s basically a lost cause.
Anyway, traffic is nuts out here, and I don’t mean pistachio nuts either. More like those spicy peanuts. We will continue this talk later. Pis out!

TUESDAY, MAY 19, 2009

The Problems We Create


I learned a lot about myself recently. I learn that I’m not ready for sushi. I learned that when you get older, you can hurt yourself practically doing nothing and I learned it is very easy to get sucked in to all this new technology. Everyone is tweeting, texting, facebooking and myspacing. I swore I wouldn’t get sucked in, but I did. First the cell phone. My first cell phone was a pay-as-you-go cheap-as-you-can-get phone I bought at Target. The battery had to be charged like every hour. I remember sitting at a bar with friends and the conversation went something like this, Friend one: “Look at the photo I got” Friend two: “Check out my ringtone” Friend 3: “Look at the movie I shot.” Then my turn comes, “Hey guys, check this out. Mine makes phone calls!” I finally stepped it up and got a real cell phone. One of them flip phones so I can feel like Captain Kirk when I order my Moo Goo Gai Pan and steamed dumplings. Soon I became what I swore I wouldn’t…a cell phoney. So caught up in my phoney little world of texting, pix and flix. Now the thing is practically attached to my right hand just in case someone wants to send me a flix of grandma blowing out the birthday candles at 4 A.M.
Now, my phone is a has been. It’s all about the iphone now. So we can google “the world’s ugliest dog” while we are driving. No sweat…right, because the phone will tell you you have to make a left at the next intersection too, or tell you where to get the best pistachio ice cream ( I know a great place, by the way). I am not upgrading ’til a phone can do my laundry for me.
Then I got sucked into the My Space (oh, that’s soooo ’05…sooooI’m soooo ’66), the first “be my friend” site. Why do I do these things? Now it’s Facebook and Twitter. These sites weren’t created to make friends…most of these people are friends already. They were made to KEEP AN EYE ON FRIENDS…ha! Now I know when you are online and whether you have a life or not. I’m sorry, but posting “I just got done washing windows” C’mon. I don’t know what’s worse…the person telling us that, or me taking the time to read it. As far as I’m concerned, everyone should make stuff up! “Yeah, just diffused a bomb” “Getting ready to skydive naked off the Statue of Liberty” “I just got done washing windows…on the Chrysler Building about 1,047 feet up” (yeah, I looked it up on myiphone while I was driving 80 on the freeway!)
Ah, the problems we create. And now, I’m blogging. And is anyone really paying attention? Who knows? Welcome to the Pistachio Chronicles folks where your guess is as good as mine.

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